The little one

As I sit down and have coffee in the early hours of the morning, as I drive to work, stop at lights and as I switch on the desktop and see your brilliant smile, I realize how much my life has changed. How I long to see you in the evening and how much I look forward for weekends like never before.

And you, all of 21 months, have started school. A home based Montessori, like I say to co-workers who ask. The past few months have been difficult. First, your great grandma left for India, after taking care of you for almost a year. And not even a day has passed since, without you asking, "Mamma....Mush?". I reply to you that she has gone to India and then you sway your arm up, prompting me to say, "yes kannna..she went in a plane". You then hug yourself and blow a kiss, enacting the moments at the airport. This you repeat atleast twice a day. I wish I could read you, just to know what exactly goes through your little mind.

And then, the daycare hunt saga began. You didn't have a clue, but I think you can sense my anxiety, to a small extent, however much your little brain can process. We decided to go to Miss S's school. That was late November and from December, we started taking you to her place for an hour each every Monday and Friday. So that, when the time came for you to be there by yourself, you are better prepared. So that, the environment is not new and the people there are not complete strangers. This we did for a month and then in the first week of January, the evening before you were set to go, I decided to not go for it. There, you just got a whiff of your mom - spending hours brooding and then deciding on a whim.
Reasons I had many, on why Miss S is not the right teacher for you.

Re-research began, calls were made, lost some sleep and finally decided to visit the school you are in now. This time, however, I had better understanding of what to look for. Well, I was still clueless, but atleast I knew what I didn't want. Talked to the teachers and kind of realized that we share a common platform. Before I asked, they suggested that I could come with you for an hour or so for a week before letting you stay by yourself. And we went. Hand in hand, singing songs in the car and you authoritatively hinting that you would ring the door bell and not me. First day - you went in with me, and the minute we set foot in the house, you cried for a good 10 minutes for no reason. That had me in an all time low. I mean, come on lil one, I am right there standing with you and what in the world is upsetting you. Anyways, after that, you decided to play a good sport. And started enjoying the time you spent there. Then came lil S, same age as you, who cried the whole time we were there. You came running to me, to check why lil S is crying. I said it is alright and that it's all okay, but ofcourse my mind sighed and said, 'little do you know, that it will be your turn next week'.

That week passed in a breeze, you liking a few sessions and didn't want to even come home twice. For me, I got to know more of your teachers, their methods and principles, the way they deal with other little children, and a thorough idea of how the system works.

The next bulleted line in my list was to bid good bye to your Tiya. She was your nanny since you were 8 months old. She became part of our family and we both grew attached to her. A Spanish woman, in her mid forties, with a heart of gold. I am still at loss to express my gratitude for her. You know how they say 'it is a blessing to know you and have you as a little part of my life'. That kind of sums it up. She was Godsend and a true blessing. I could go on and on, but sometimes feelings and emotions and sentiments are best conveyed with a simple gesture. On the day she left, I made you touch her feet and seek her blessings. Ofcourse, she would have none of it and told me through her broken English and choked up voice, that she will always remember you till she dies. Being grateful gives you an inner peace and humility, that strengthens you in the larger scheme of life. Be grateful, dear lil one, always.

I was able to find another babysitting job for her, quite near our home for a desi family. We call each other and talk twice a week, she seems happy there. But she said, she thinks of you often and pray that you take to school well.

Well, this is week three and the going is not smooth, but steady. You cried non-stop for an hour and half the first day. The next couple of days, you cried on and off. Last week, there were improvements, you stopped crying after 10 minutes, got involved in a few activities and ate a few times. That first week and much of the second week, saw you in the crankiest self. It brought forth a stubborn little boy, I didnot even know existed within you. You wanted this and that, nothing pacified you and nothing soothed you. Earlier, it was a breeze to put you to sleep, but then that week you were up way past your bedtime and had to be plonked down on the bed. I tried to be patient, but lost it a few times. Then you caught a little cold, my heavy heart was bleeding and to put some fuel on your weakened body, I switched on the tv and stuffed you with Kanji. This I did for two days and paid a price for it the next couple of days. You wanted TV on for eating, for sleeping and even while reading your books. Well, in the next few days, the tables were turned and it was my call for the battle. You saw in me a stubborn mom, you didn't even know existed.

Towards the middle of the second week, you calmed down, I calmed down and we both waved our white flags. You still cry like hell at drop-off and fake cries at pick up. But after five minutes into it, you settle down in your room, get involved if you feel like it, else you stay and observe. You started eating okay and sleeping okay. Not in a way I really want you to, but that's the impatient me talking. I should not rush. Yesterday, you didn't let the teachers change your diaper and told them that only your Mama could do it. They didnot force you yesterday, but little one, it's not going to be an easy ride if you donot co-operate. I want you to hang in there for now. And I promise you - you will like it and have fun.OK?

From being the nervous bundle to being the 'did I do the right thing' bundle, I am much at peace now. I am able to talk to his teachers every day and after that, I feel much assured and secured. They are working with him, at his pace, gently sliding him in and trying their best. He is not forced to do one particular thing and disciplined in a loving way. I was worrying about his food intake (hi there!), but they asked me to wait it out. He is eating something, which is a good thing, they said. And within the next month or so, when he gets fully adjusted, they will then ask him to finish the food in his plate. In general, I am quite happy with his teachers.

Each day is an improvement and hopefully, you will settle in good within the next few weeks. For now, we just hug and pull each other's hair and say I-love-you in our own little ways.