Motherhood, questioned

I've tried to keep our fights blow up after the Little One is fast alseep in his bed. In effect, first we'll let the tension brew, then we slowly simmer our anger and finally it pours down pipping hot, when he is tucked away and safe from the fury of his parents bickerings. Unless one of us find humor in the way our nose turns up or our lips quiver, and points it out to the other. The build up melts and harmony and much teasing ensues.

But sometimes, in our rush and hurry to satiate our egos, to decide who really was right, in our greed to outrun the other, we forget the Lil One, watching us from the corner. I catch sight of him, for a split second, his big beady eyes trying to decipher what's going on. I fail to register his face, lost in the war of our words.

This has happened rarely, but then he is only two, plus a few months. First when we lost our cool in front of him, he was way too little to chew solids, but I remember him wailing his guts out. Second time around, he watched us with a stern alert and cried copiously as our levels buzzed up.

And then, there was yesterday. Mr Upsi seated in the couch, yours truly in the kitchen and the Lil One caught in between. This time however, I registered his presence and knew clearly well that he was watching. That we were being watched. Since it was only an argument and no one was at gun point, I let it brew. Thinking it was okay for the Lil One to see his parents argue respectfullly, mind you and within boundaries the Lil One can decode.

At some point of time, Mr Upsi (it's always him. if he wants to protest, he can start his own blog) raised his voice. Since I did not have much points to butt heads to begin with, I let it pass. I was sinking it in and suddenly, there was a little finger holding onto my hand. I looked down and saw the Lil One looking back at me with such fondness that I picked him up, not knowing what else to do. He let himself be picked up, let his limbs and arms loose and rested his head on my shoulder. That snippet of time, I wished myself to be a good mother, if not the perfect. A quick kiss, and I put him down and went to bed to rest for a while. He followed me, asking 'why why'. I asked him to go out and play, not to disrupt me, not to cause a headache.
He okay-ed, laid down by my side only to sprint up a few seconds later and ask, 'mama, why?'.
I lost my patience and asked him to just get out. Mr. Upsi came by and picked him up.

Rest of the evening, I was at the back stage, not playing with him, but kept an eye for him all along. It was a much happening night to say the least, and when bed time came, I was only too happy to snuggle beside him and let everything pass.

I have seen him imitate raising voices and direct reprimanding at us, recently. Those times, I question my nurture. On what I impart. On the values. On the way I am bringing him up.

Years from now, I want to see him as an young man, who would offer his hand for a cause and always be good at his heart. Hopefully, I wouldn't frail away from offering him roots and a platform to spread his wings....

The white petticoat

Sometimes all I want to do is go back in time. Back, when I was the little girl with nary a care for the world, holding onto Amma's finger tip, wearing that white petticoat and watching the world with awe.

Now, life sucks.

I lost that petticoat and with it, my innocence.

Riddle-me-Ree, Who can she be?

Greetings wonderful MTBs!!!
and good work to all of you!
For having solved the riddle before
I give you all this clue.

The letter " K "

Write it down, add it on...
And let's move on to the next little song.

“A peapod she nurtured
A jelly bean she adores
Packing a mystery into an enigma
How entertaining she is, everyone knows”

Solve it and you get your lead
Misguess, and you lose your speed
Solve it slow but solve it now
And before you go, take a little bow

Go to 'Comments' and leave me a clue
Tell me which blog you are off to.
Good luck! Good luck! Be on your way.
You have your work, cut out for the day!

Stop. Please honk.

Among the lot, I like V the best. She borders on insanity and that by itself, scores her my brownie points. Plus, she shares her cinnamon rolls with me and if there is only one left and she is equally craving for it, she will 'accidentally' cut it unequally and offer me the bigger 'half'.

And today was her birthday. Which we knew atleast a month ago. As is the norm on birthdays, the girls will get together, pick a place for lunch and another place for 'deserts only' and crawl back to our office space after two hours of official lunch break. But V, being V, proclaimed that she wanted her 54th birthday to be special. I asked her if she is dying and if so, what her last wish would be. Not her last wish, but one of her wishes, she said, is to visit India. With me. I told her that is not happening, she can go to India, sans my company. We left that conversation at that, to proceed to the details for her self-proclaimed special birthday. This time, she wants to take us all, to a surprise location. She will drive and we will haul ourselves into her wagon to be driven to this rendezvous lunch place.

No post on V will leave the box without the mention of her husband, Kev. An established lawyer, pots of money. Mentioned his obsessiveness with Indian food. Oh really?, I asked. And then offered onion-methi bajji's, that I prepared. Used crushed red chillies and fresh green chillies. After a good greedy bite into one bajji, his whole face turned beet red. Mango laasi was then hurriedly offered, which he gulped in two seconds. Spoonfuls of sugar, and lamaze breathing. He forgave me. A sweetheart of a man.

V mentioned that she is also inviting Kev, his law partner Stacey and her new boy friend, Ryan for the birthday luncheon. So there I was, thinking she is taking us to an expensive sushi joint or maybe a high end cho-co-lat factory....some place, where I was sure I will be billed half my monthly salary. That evening, I casually mentioned to Mr. Upsi that, 'oh btw, I will be going out for V's birthday lunch tomorrow", dripped in pomp and splendour.

I chose my attire for the day carefully. Don't want to look too Average Jane, do I? A little blush and heels would help me blend in to the crowd she will be taking us.

It was noon already and we were jam packed in her car, cooing 'oh where are you taking us?, pray tell!". I noticed that the rest of the girls were also dressed up for the occasion. Ha. I am smart, afterall.

The car screeched halt. "We are here, ladies". I look around, and see trucks all around. Dusty road. Viola! She took us to a truck stop. Truck stop - where the truck drivers, the truckers, stop by for rest and relaxation. Of course.The food, I was later told, was invarialy good at truck stops. V and Kev come here often, it seems.

We walk in to the front door, and is greeted by smoke. And men, middle aged men with pot bellies, beard and a cigar. Another few with one foot already on their graves. Couple of cowboy boots and hats. Most probably took a shower when the Halley's comet was last spotted. A whistle or two, as we walk past these gentlemen. "Sit wherever you feel like, y'all", I turn back to find the waitress. A well endowed woman (front and rear) in her forties, wearing a super tight Tee, five sizes too small, exposing most of her mid section, juggling mass of flesh and oh, the Tee bursting with her buxom, says "wish you were here". Which I am sure, most of the patrons did. I might have had that deer-in the-headlights look, when V shook me and asked me to place the order. The other waitress was better toned, and kept calling me 'honey' and 'chica'. The only thing, I think, the place lacked,
was a good defeaning dose of 'choli ke peeche'.

And I tell you, y'all, what a boost of cofidence you acquire, after having a couple of these real tough truck men call you, hot. Just what a mother of a 2 y old with sagging unmentionables should hear. They might be a little over the hill, so what, so is George Clooney.

C'est la vie.

Open wells and broken hearts

With cupped hands, I hold the water
and I find you, my darling daughter
your eyes, your nose, your lips and your chin
I tremble and the water spills
with it, my heart shreds

I go back,
to my chained life
the sun rays through the creaked window
reminiscing my life with you,
my darling daughter...
===

Wells left carelessly open. When will you start paying attention?

Where the Lil One makes his way to the two's

Yesterday, it was the Lil One's star birthday, where he turned two according to the Malayalam calendar. If one goes by the global calendar, then his birthday is still three weeks away.
But I tend to like the confusion and chaos that multiple birthdays bring and most importantly, if I grew up thus and the Lil One is my progeny, then obviously, the beacon has to be passed. That is only but fair.

So, lo I wake up in the morning, after fighting the inner demon who always nudge me ever so gently to snooze the alarm and get few more minutes of shut eye. And usually I don't scum. But not today, when the motherly hormones are in full swing and I emerge as Mother India. Well, Mother Kerala. Will save the Mother India part on his actual birthdate.

And what do you know. Mr. Upsi and the Lil One wakes up to the smell of payasam and poori, and brewed coffee. And no celebrations are ever complete without those customary calls, first from the Lil One's Mush in India. She has already been to three temples, did archana and naivediyam and was waiting for dawn to break in the US of A, so I would call and she could her the Lil One's voice. By the time his Bappa and Bappu called (maternal grandparents), he had already downed one poori and was licking paysam off the spoon.

The temple visit was scheduled for the evening. The Lil One was picked up from his school and duly brought home.I offered him some paysam as a snack, since dinner was only an hour or so away and we had to be in the Temple on time. He didnt want any and I didn't push. Gave him a quick shower and while he was mocking around, I pulled out one Kancheepuram, two bangles, one and only one mangalasutra, finishing off with sindoor. Red sindoor, if you ask.
The Lil One ofcourse had to have the kurtha, which was sent all the way from India, just for his second birthday, to be worn to the temple. He kicked and screamed and had a huge meltdown.
"Amma, paaaak...". Ofcourse, he wanted to go the park and not the temple. And ofcourse, he didn't want anything to do with the kurtha. He was never picky on his clothes, didn't care and didn't mind what was put on him. So obviously I was shocked. The Kancheepuram was a crumbled mess by the time I managed to put the shirt on him. You know, a little three feeter wrestling with me and I could not win. There was a dirty jeans lying on the floor and he wanted to wear nothing but that jeans. The matching pants for his kurtha lay tossed on the floor. Patience was never my trait and I was this close to smacking him. Mother Kerala! Phew. Bah.

So off we went, in creased Kancheepuram and jeans-kurtha combo, buckled ourselves in the car, whistling our ride to the Temple. Red Chillies live two homes away and I had packed some payasam for her and her family. Suddenly, from the back seat, the little terror shrieked and pointed to the tumbler, saying, yelling, he wanted it. He had no clue what was inside and was done solely to irritate me.
Then I realized that probably he is hungry. So offered a banana, which he happily devoured and within minutes, he was back to a happy camper, singing songs and pointing to trucks to me each time one passes by.

On the way back from the temple, we had dinner of course. Idli, masala dosa with sambhar and chutney, accompanied by filter coffee. At the cashier, we also got some meeta paan.

The Lil One slept on the way home.

This morning, he woke up happy. But two minutes into the day, he was acting cranky. Wanted to have my toothbrush to brush his teeth. Only Amma's toothbrush. I ignored him, which led to a meltdown, I continued ignoring and finally, he came around, asking for his.
Breakfast was waffles. I asked him if I shall cut it into bite sizes. He nodded. And watched me cut the waffles. I was almost done, when he got most upset and told me, "No amma, no, no", complete with hand movements, pouting lips and fat tears. He wanted an uncut waffle. Duh.

The two's are here, I guess. Say hello.

When it is dark enough, you can see the stars

There is a candle in your heart, ready to be kindled.

There is a void in your soul, ready to be filled.

You feel it, don't you?

- Rumi

Some days are like these. Days, when no matter how well I completed a task, how well the lil one ate and how well I cleaned and scrubbed the home, and later in the evening, when Mr. Upsi comes in and encompasses my life, the little family we are building up --- no matter how settled I feel - there is still a void. Something that makes me ponder if this is all there is to it. That call seems so intense and yet not vivid, that it leaves my mind perturbed, unsettled and, the heart beats unsteady.

Gather up, I say. But the pieces fail to join, and the puzzle remains hazy and scattered.

An urge to do something beyond my regular oiled routine. I understand fully well that I haven't yet mastered the art of my profession. But that is not what calls me.

A need to fight for a cause. Or a need to shelter and offer a humane presence. A bit of selfless compassion. To have stood up and lived a life, and not simply have sat down and wrote about it. But is this the right time? And will there ever be something as, 'a right time'?

So I venture out. To look at those stars, hoping somewhere there my answer lies. Hoping, someday, it reveals. Then, would I have the courage and youthful brim left?

The little one

As I sit down and have coffee in the early hours of the morning, as I drive to work, stop at lights and as I switch on the desktop and see your brilliant smile, I realize how much my life has changed. How I long to see you in the evening and how much I look forward for weekends like never before.

And you, all of 21 months, have started school. A home based Montessori, like I say to co-workers who ask. The past few months have been difficult. First, your great grandma left for India, after taking care of you for almost a year. And not even a day has passed since, without you asking, "Mamma....Mush?". I reply to you that she has gone to India and then you sway your arm up, prompting me to say, "yes kannna..she went in a plane". You then hug yourself and blow a kiss, enacting the moments at the airport. This you repeat atleast twice a day. I wish I could read you, just to know what exactly goes through your little mind.

And then, the daycare hunt saga began. You didn't have a clue, but I think you can sense my anxiety, to a small extent, however much your little brain can process. We decided to go to Miss S's school. That was late November and from December, we started taking you to her place for an hour each every Monday and Friday. So that, when the time came for you to be there by yourself, you are better prepared. So that, the environment is not new and the people there are not complete strangers. This we did for a month and then in the first week of January, the evening before you were set to go, I decided to not go for it. There, you just got a whiff of your mom - spending hours brooding and then deciding on a whim.
Reasons I had many, on why Miss S is not the right teacher for you.

Re-research began, calls were made, lost some sleep and finally decided to visit the school you are in now. This time, however, I had better understanding of what to look for. Well, I was still clueless, but atleast I knew what I didn't want. Talked to the teachers and kind of realized that we share a common platform. Before I asked, they suggested that I could come with you for an hour or so for a week before letting you stay by yourself. And we went. Hand in hand, singing songs in the car and you authoritatively hinting that you would ring the door bell and not me. First day - you went in with me, and the minute we set foot in the house, you cried for a good 10 minutes for no reason. That had me in an all time low. I mean, come on lil one, I am right there standing with you and what in the world is upsetting you. Anyways, after that, you decided to play a good sport. And started enjoying the time you spent there. Then came lil S, same age as you, who cried the whole time we were there. You came running to me, to check why lil S is crying. I said it is alright and that it's all okay, but ofcourse my mind sighed and said, 'little do you know, that it will be your turn next week'.

That week passed in a breeze, you liking a few sessions and didn't want to even come home twice. For me, I got to know more of your teachers, their methods and principles, the way they deal with other little children, and a thorough idea of how the system works.

The next bulleted line in my list was to bid good bye to your Tiya. She was your nanny since you were 8 months old. She became part of our family and we both grew attached to her. A Spanish woman, in her mid forties, with a heart of gold. I am still at loss to express my gratitude for her. You know how they say 'it is a blessing to know you and have you as a little part of my life'. That kind of sums it up. She was Godsend and a true blessing. I could go on and on, but sometimes feelings and emotions and sentiments are best conveyed with a simple gesture. On the day she left, I made you touch her feet and seek her blessings. Ofcourse, she would have none of it and told me through her broken English and choked up voice, that she will always remember you till she dies. Being grateful gives you an inner peace and humility, that strengthens you in the larger scheme of life. Be grateful, dear lil one, always.

I was able to find another babysitting job for her, quite near our home for a desi family. We call each other and talk twice a week, she seems happy there. But she said, she thinks of you often and pray that you take to school well.

Well, this is week three and the going is not smooth, but steady. You cried non-stop for an hour and half the first day. The next couple of days, you cried on and off. Last week, there were improvements, you stopped crying after 10 minutes, got involved in a few activities and ate a few times. That first week and much of the second week, saw you in the crankiest self. It brought forth a stubborn little boy, I didnot even know existed within you. You wanted this and that, nothing pacified you and nothing soothed you. Earlier, it was a breeze to put you to sleep, but then that week you were up way past your bedtime and had to be plonked down on the bed. I tried to be patient, but lost it a few times. Then you caught a little cold, my heavy heart was bleeding and to put some fuel on your weakened body, I switched on the tv and stuffed you with Kanji. This I did for two days and paid a price for it the next couple of days. You wanted TV on for eating, for sleeping and even while reading your books. Well, in the next few days, the tables were turned and it was my call for the battle. You saw in me a stubborn mom, you didn't even know existed.

Towards the middle of the second week, you calmed down, I calmed down and we both waved our white flags. You still cry like hell at drop-off and fake cries at pick up. But after five minutes into it, you settle down in your room, get involved if you feel like it, else you stay and observe. You started eating okay and sleeping okay. Not in a way I really want you to, but that's the impatient me talking. I should not rush. Yesterday, you didn't let the teachers change your diaper and told them that only your Mama could do it. They didnot force you yesterday, but little one, it's not going to be an easy ride if you donot co-operate. I want you to hang in there for now. And I promise you - you will like it and have fun.OK?

From being the nervous bundle to being the 'did I do the right thing' bundle, I am much at peace now. I am able to talk to his teachers every day and after that, I feel much assured and secured. They are working with him, at his pace, gently sliding him in and trying their best. He is not forced to do one particular thing and disciplined in a loving way. I was worrying about his food intake (hi there!), but they asked me to wait it out. He is eating something, which is a good thing, they said. And within the next month or so, when he gets fully adjusted, they will then ask him to finish the food in his plate. In general, I am quite happy with his teachers.

Each day is an improvement and hopefully, you will settle in good within the next few weeks. For now, we just hug and pull each other's hair and say I-love-you in our own little ways.

A Halloween to remember

Rise dear ones,

For I now have a story to tell my grand kids. And oh! what a story it would be. On a cold winter night, the kiddos on the floor, a few lying down and another few sitting up right (inherited from their Grandpa Mr. Upsi, whom I have never seen lying lazily on a floor) near the fire place, me on a wooden rocking chair that creaks every now and then. A warm cozy place it would be. I might even add in a few tidbits to keep the story sizzling. But for now, for you my three readers, I present the actual facts. Fiction down the drain.

So last night, the night before Halloween, I felt bloated (too much of pooran poli or methu vada, I couldn't' tell) and nothing, nothing but a jog, could ease my bloated self. It has nothing to do with watching too much Julia Roberts/Sandra Bullock/Renee Zellweger flicks, where the heroine runs a mile or two, to clear her heart and mind of life's brutality. They come back, sweating and take a warm shower and the next scene you know, they are as warm spirited as a cup of warm cider on a cold winter night. My wanting to jog had nothing to do with it of course. (yes, we have netflix account and movies come and go, like the milkman of yesteryear's).

At this point, I would like to let the readers know that it has been quite a while since I jogged and quite a very long while since I had had a night jog. Mr. Upsi gnawed at my decision, but by now, he has accepted the eccentricities of his lovely wife. Ha, the sweet travails of couple hood!

The little one was fast asleep by now. I changed to my jogging out fit (which is nothing but track pants, white Tee and sneakers. Not that you are interested in my attire, but a story needs to be wholesome). Opened the front door and a cold gust of wind swept my face. It is October, for Lord's sake and no sane person jogs at 8:30 pm on a cold October night. When I was little, I wanted to prove to the world that I was different. And then I grew up. Didn't know whom in the world I should be proving to and what for. But sometimes the streaks of childhood surfaces like flotsam. And last night, maybe, I thought jogging at night would prove something. Its either that or I need to shed my insanity once in a while to keep my sanity.

So anyways, reminding myself of a determined bull ready to knock the rodeo off, I braved the cold and started warming up. Then slowly gathered pace and momentum. Before I knew it, I was running six miles an hour, along the dark alley ways and down the path. The trees loomed larger than life, the clouds dark and gloomy, evoking a tangible sense of danger. The kind of night where one is sure that the battle between orcs and beasties are in full swing in the sky. Or as if Hogwarts school is in full frenzy (now that Dumbledore is so popular).

Everything around me was eerie and creepily quiet. Not a single soul around. But only evil spirits hanging out, grueling Horcruxes and having a vile ball of a party.Thoughts of ghosts, specially of a desi kind, white saree clad and feet a foot away from the ground and long hair, crossed my mind. I keep my desi roots, you see, even when it comes to deathly hallows.

But I kept the pace. One brave woman, I was.

And right then, when I was about to take the bend, I saw the silhouette of a brooding figure, holding on to a dog. The figure half seated on the lawn that joins the pathway. An illusion, perhaps? But a nanosecond later, I knew this was for real. Right there, I was going to be battered blue and dead. Racing pulse, pounding heart. I let out a loud 'help'. Nothing came out at first, but a faint shortness of breath. And then, on top of my voice, gushing with all force and might, and with a thick mallu accent, I shouted 'yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllppppp'. I never knew that would be the first word one would let out when face to face with death eaters. Not an 'AAAAAAAAAaaaa" or "Ammmmmmmaaaa". But an "yeeeelp"!!

The figure leapt out. It was a she with a dog (didn't stay longer to find the gender of the dog, you story-poopers!) The lady apologized 'oh I saw you coming and didn't want to scare the hell out of you. My dog was a little nervous". Or something to that effect. I couldn't clearly hear her, forI was still running.....running for my life....away from her. The dog was howling, and I muttered a 'sorrryy.....I afraid of dogs'. Liar. As if it was just the dog I was afraid of. I ran home like there was no tomorrow.

Stammered for a second on how to narrate this whole escapade with Mr. Upsi and Grandmom. "You know what happened", panted a slightly shocked me.
"what? chased by a ghost or a dog?", asked Mr. Upsi, eyes still fixed on the football game. Faint sound of Grandma's laugh heard on the background.

Second thoughts on Mr. Upsi having an office affair with a blonde and having me out of the way, through this attack? Did he hike up my insurance premium? (Here, I blame the netflix movie over dose.)

"Ok..this is what happened", and I narrated the works.

A slow evil smile dawned on Mr. Upsi and I said "ayayyay.....happy spooky Halloween. I was kidding. LOL, you believed me, didn't you? Jee. HOHAHA."

Grandma looked skeptical. To believe or not, that was her question.
======

Now - Ini, Mini, Miney, Moo (names of my grandkids)-- tell me, did Grandma make up this story?

An overdose

Work, as if
you don't need the money

Love, as if
you've never been hurt

Dance, as if
no one is watching

The sound of music

History has a strange way of repeating itself. Doesn't it?

Take for instance the Upsi household. On most mornings of any given holiday or weekend, the house blares of music. It is in the background when Upsi cooks, fights with Mr. Upsi, plays with her little one and when the family dines.

And then the other day, after putting her little one to sleep, she was preparing the weekend brunch, humming to a long lost tune, when a gust of nostalgic wind found its way through a little crack on the kitchen window sill and brushed her ever so gently. At the drop of a hat, she can wade to distant lands, back to her home, back to where the first rythm of enchating music was taught to her. Back to her place where the hills are alive with the sound of music.

Both on her paternal and maternal side, music was worshipped and sought of as a passion. Most everyone in her family could decently hum a Karnatic keerthanam and discuss the raga it is based on. Well, almost most. Her father lacked the trait to an extent of family disgrace. Put any music on and he would choir with absolute lack of co-ordination. His beats are always misplaced and chords never threaded. Simply put, he was a shame, the black sheep of the family's boasted music lovers. He appreciated music whole heartedly, but you could tell -- it was not his true love.

Now, Upsi's mother, she is a different story all together. Music put her at ease. Hushed her babies, nephews and nieces and now her grand babies and grand nieces with lullabies and, instilled the passion for music in them all. She has a melodious voice, but not enough for the crowd to go wa-wa-wa.

All the kids in the family were taught music. Irrespective of how they sounded. There were no second thoughts.

Geetha akka, daughter of Sharma sir who housed near the Hanuman Kovil, told her grandmom about the music teacher of the locality that they moved to, after Upsi's father got a transfer. Calls were made within seconds after grandom reached home back from her daily temple visit.

It was anyways the month of October, Vidya-aarambham month. Easy enough to choose an auspicuous day to start the first paattu class. In the wee hours of the morning, Upsi and her sister were violently shaken from their sleep and bathed in the freezing cold well water.

Lamp was lit and after kneeling down, they were off to Viswanathan Sir's class.
'Sa...Pa....Sa..., repeat after me', V sir.

They repeated and a second later, Upsi roared with laughter at their horrendous vocal. Noise, not music. She was hurridely hushed by the family elders. The silence that ensued after they reached home and the news of their loss was passed around; it felt like there was a death in the family. To not let the word out that the sisters were such pathetic singers, Viswanthan Sir was kajoled to come home and teach them. Harmonium was brought from Karunakaran's musical shop.

Looking back, I think, the grand elders thought that the prospective grooms' family for the sisters would be looking for a melodious voice in the girls. That they might be asked to sing. Pheww! How wrong!

All that Mr. Upsi asked on their first meet was about some damn project she was working on, which she had no idea herself.

Anyways, V sir came twice a week, and also taught violin to their Mamma. The sisters had to be dragged from their evening game of seven tiles and hide and seek; ushered for a qucik wash and then one of them would get the folded mat from the pooja room, hold it in her armpit and lay it on the floor. Weary from the game and hating the whole world, especially their mom and grandmom, for making them go through an hour of Sa-Pa-Sa, they expressed their wrath through their music. Their mind was tuned to the game outside, that when Chithra yelled after putting all the seven tiles back, they would suppress their happy grins.

"concenrate on the pallavi and anu-pallavi. not on the noise outside", V Sir.

"you both should get up early every morning for the saadakam, practice the raaga, only then will you improve".

Summer holidays were worst. V Sir's schedule was changed and he would come in at noon (sisters nap time) or in the evening right bfore Chithrahaar on DD. Upsi and her sister, tom and jerry on every other matter, united for the musical cause. So if one of them is particulary sleepy and wanted to nap five minutes longer, the other would lie that she is in the bathroom and an unsuspecting V sir would wait.

And oh, how could I forget that particular day when V sir came ater 2 weeks off. Ater gulping down buttermilk, he asked if they practised every morning.

Pat came the non-chalant reply from the sisters, 'yes sir. we did'.

Upsi bought the harmonium and her sister got the mat. They were about to put the 'shruthi' on, when two cock-roaches jumped out of the reeds chamber of the harmonium.

The sisters squealed. Two week thick dust was dusted off and cockroach killed by the 6 year old cousin who happened to be around.

They learnt karnatic sangeetham for five long years.

The older cousins have flown the coop and the little cousins are still learning, back home. One among them stopped a few weeks ago when board exams intervened. Nobody has seen him that happy. Pointless to mention, none of Upsi's gen could sing.

But, it is hard to uproot something you are so familiar with right from your childhood. It becomes a part of you. Kind of inseparable. It might lie dormant, but boy, it would resurface one day! Sometimes with a vigor hard to quiten down.

For, Upsi is now seen running behind her little one, asking him to sit down on the mat - cross legged and facing her. And she goes, "Kannna......sa-pa-sa", repeat after me.

And an unsuspecting Kanna looks backat her and giggles.

Recital

I could write about
how I watch her moves
hawk-eyed.
On how being the first woman ever
just doesn't cut for me
You got big shoes to fit in,
no doubt Ms. Patil.
Show us what you got
Lead us fair and brave
and then we'll append
the XX chromosome,
heck! not a second sooner.

I could write about Dr. Kalam
"Salutations to you, Sir!
Your presidency was well revered.
A mighty heart, I concur
and when you step down,
I stand up and applaud
goose-bumps all over
In the end, I started combing my hair,
Kalam-way."

I could write about -
of wanting to be home
to be with my lil one
'cose he is growing up
taking short flights
a baby step away each day
when all I really want,
is to nestle him close
before he flies away.

I could write about,
Will and Bill
who came & complicated
my work days,
with rules and regs
that I dreamt of OSHA
for a while.

I could write about S & P,
moving away from their crescent cove
I'll miss them,
more than words can tell.

Heck, I can even write about
gosh oh gosh!
of wanting to feel a little-little one
in my tummy again;
and why the practical me,
should wait.

I could even write about my first crush,
his Kathakali performance
and Yanni's concert.

I could write about,
longing to be back home
by the river Periyar.
where I could stop and smell the flowers,
so to speak.

I could write about the testing times
when spirits hit rock bottom ,
and a part of me
got buried deep.
when life was a bitch
and coffee, a saviour.

But I don't.

Instead:

I watch the Dallas rain
at 11:00 in the night
trickling down the pane.
On an instinct I move
and check on,
the two guys in my life
sleeping side by side,
arm on arm.
I rest my head
and watch them content..

all's well in the Upsi-world.

Sense and Senselessbility

Stupidity, as it is, runs in her veins. How else would you explain this - when asked by her then co-volunteer a month before her grad school began, whether she brought a notebook; with a puzzled look, she thought for a moment and replied, "no, no notebooks. I brought some text books related to the courses I signed up". The co-volunteer, I bet, still has his parties rolling with that making rounds.

Oh, before I digress, I ought to tell you how she ended up with that volunteer work in the first place. Two free months she had, before her grad school kicked in. And if you thought she opted for volunteering out of humanitarian concern, a sense of supporting her brethren - you are mistaken. Not that she can in any way be deemed otherwise. But truth needs to be told, however unfair it sounds. After just a week of getting up early just to make breakfast for her then new husband, waiting on him to come in the evening and relieve her of her misery and boredom - she realized quickly - way too quickly that - that is not her cup of tea. Kneading Golden Temple atta while humming a song at 4pm daily, didn't quite cut out for her. She dreaded idle time, more than she had ever realized.

With the thrift store brought suit ironed and perfumed, she attended the interview and sent a thank-you note later that evening. JK* replied that he was impressed and his team is positively thinking about the hire and that the decision will be made relatively soon. What? They are not even paying, for Pete's sake! She decided to forward JK's mail to her Aunt (an US resident of three decades), asking her plainly if anything made sense and whether it was actually an American way of rejecting the candidate. Thirty minutes later, she receives a mail from JK: "Dear Ms. Upsi, I assume this was an actual error and you really meant to send this mail to your "Sarasu Mammi". And no, our rejection letters are different. You mentioned your availability as of so-so date; we look forward to having you on our team. Regards, JK".Two days later, the firm got a volunteer who smiled as if she needs to use the loo the next second, every time she met with JK.

Salads were ordered every time she went with her team for a lunch-out. They praised her for such healthy eating habits. The fact that she had tough time synchronising knife and fork remained untold. She gasped, seeing salads also being cut before being stuffed. However hard she tried, knives slipped every time she cut lettuce and baby spinach.

Only when that Korean girl made entry to the team was she relieved. All of sudden, she had an air of superiority. And joined the roaring team when Candice (real name Can Wu-Zu), pronounced J C Penney (the clothing outlet) as Jec Penney (like in Mc Donald).

Then the classes kicked in and the first semester saw her crying and wanting go back and join the Government college for Women in Pathanipura, Kerala. She just couldn't make head or tail of what her professor (particularly that one Prof. with such thick accent ) was lecturing on, forget the jokes that had the whole class rolling and she just sat there smiling, trying to fight back the tears. There were no Indians in her department whom she could confine her woes and bargain sympathy. Plans to befriend fellow Indians that swamped the Computer/IT dept was dropped since the timings and interest levels never matched. So while the class took lecture notes, she nodded and scribbled...something. The hubby, to put an end to her wails, gifted her a tiny weeny recorder. She was too shy to use it at first - turning it on when no one was looking and immediately hiding it in her pencil box (yeah). The class begins informally at times, discussing basket ball and baseball for an hour and she got tensed since the recorder runs out of its 45 minutes life span.

Stupidity never left her. It continues to thrive; all she hopes is a hope of not having passed it onto her little one. God, please let the little one take after his father on just this area. (Lord at Guruvayoor is constantly sought).

Things that her co-workers (all American, no desi) take for granted as part and package of their lives, completely throws her off guard at times, stamping the "stupid" seal over and again.

Her job is to ensure the safety and health of the staff. Her reports often end up with.."your safety and health is our highest priority and we strive to achieve that in every step of the mentioned process". She realizes that a pinch of stupidity will cost a life. She cannot go wrong. Not this time, because there might simply be no next time. And with the best of faith, she takes the step ahead.
===============

ps: this post is dedicated to the responsibility she was recently bestowed with.
*JK: A very learned professor and ever so humble - I have high regard for him and he helped me much in my job hunt.

Am I pregnant?

All people in general have an inherent ability to irritate. Let's call this as an "irritability quo". Any given day, it is hard to determine this irritability quo, unless say you are the subject's husband/wife/mil/close friend or whatever. But you see what I am saying.

So after about five diaper changes in four hours that have you gagging and a very stoic husband who has no time to breathe ever since he enrolled for a MS program; lets say you are simply grouchy. Since the little one has not started speaking yet, he is spared of his mom's volcanic eruptions. That leaves a very-busy husband and an equally confused MIL at the receiving end. The husband, simply put - doesn't understand why the wife is so cranky. Now the word "cranky" which sounds normal, even funny in any other given day is elevated to level Orange when the subject is testy. So even though the husband keeps the lil one entertained and out of his grumpy mom's nose; the subject still finds - an orphaned underwear not IN the laundry basket and an empty mug with two day old coffee stains in the home-office room - that sets the irritability quo in alarming tones.

With such choreography set, the subject gets to her office later than ever. Which is when her good friends down in the administrative office, calls her for a cup of coffee and a little chat.
And they go, "ah...Upsi..coming late to work these days huh.."
"you are pregnant, aren't you?" foll lowed by roars of laughter.
"hahhhoohhaaa......trying to get pregnant?".......again roars of laughter.
"the little one is....14 months, right..yaya, he needs someone to play with"
"so, Mr.Upsi is at work late too huh"....more laughter.

She stomps out of the coffee room and pick up the vibrating cell. It's her friend calling to check on the little one and Upsi replies, "oh, little one is better. much better, though he is still not eating well. but I am feeling so under the weather, took a sick leave yesterday and had two Tylenols every four hours" .
The friend, "ahhhhhh Upsi.....you are not pregnant, are you?"

I tell you, the next person to ask that question is going to get from me.

A filling Philly feeling

A minute's look into the conference flyer and I knew I was going. The place was PA, two hours drive from Washington DC where my family abodes.

Afterall a conference is an integral part of my self-study arena wanting to be watered and nourished. Convinced the boss. Should have known when to stop because my 'excitement' to be on top of this new state-of-the-art technology was contagious and the boss hurried to make travel arrangements and reservations for two. Slowly treaded that I would infact like to travel to DC and then join him later at the conference. And also I would be staying back in DC for couple more days and fly back later. This is where I feel like hugging the boss.

So the next few days were in frenzy reserving hotel ("yes MaryAnn, I would like a baby bed and an extra bedding. No, there are no guests. Just me. yes, this is how I stay") and packing bags -- mine, my little ones and hubby's. Yeah, he decided to join the row -- paid food and stay, so why not? ofcourse I can afford a single ticket to DC, he said. Plus how will you damsel manage alone in a flight with the little one? So the orginial plan of having my mom baby-sit the little one while I am at the meeting, was dropped and replaced by hubby. A few phone calls later, hubby's friend in NJ decided he would drop in and visit us while we are there. The said friend called later and said his brother wants to meet us too. Why not!

Last minute packing and realized that the bag has sun tan lotion and flip flops, but not a single professional file on the topics to be covered at the expo. Oh well!

Six day conference & expo was cut short to four days. Last two days had repetitive topics I found out. The boss readily agreed. And I spent a total of seven hours at the conference hall(no exaggeration there guys...ok ok...five hours then) during those four days . Ducked out early from the first day meeting and found an equally embarrassed boss in the hotel lobby. On the second day, we accepted our real motives and saw the boss merrily chatting with the hubby and playing with our little one. He talked about his walk to the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall tour. Had my exercise, he said. Good for you, I replied. Couple hours and a latte later, we had our exercise too.

While listening to a talk, I slowly eye the people around and count the Indians. About four of them in their late forties and fifties. And two around my age. On a coffee-scone break, I lazily walk the aisle and this lady I though was Indian approached me. She is a Srilankan, working in Hawai as a consultant in our field with certifications I envy. A very humble mother of three teenage kids , we talked and she advised on the road I am headed to. Thank you, N. You left an impact and passed on the Prometheus torch.

Out from the meeting and in the park, I saw the father and son rolling in the grass and giggling. Witnessed an young man I married five years ago, loving his son with a passion. A passion that has engulfed the two guys on a lifetime bond. Son, I hope you will always take care of your father and reciprocate his undying love for you.

And when the night set in, we fine dined in the twilight under a dusky sky, with a tired little one snoozing in my arms. We watched the tourists of all colour, size and shape pass by. Exchanged hearty smiles. World seemed to be a nice place, after all.

For three days and three nights, we forgot those worries that spice up our lives and swayed at the music the street singer played with a longing heart.

Listen now, for Philadelphia holds a secret charm. About six years ago, this is the place I had my first kiss. (Shame, shame, shame -- proclaiming such personal anecdotes on a public front - Grandmom's voice echoes and I hush). And oh yeah, I am still married to that guy. So we drove down the market street to see the house we once dwelled. Hush now, no more, the voice echoes. And I do.

When the parents joined us in PA, we played rummy late into the night, making innocent fun at each other. Dad and hubby left and a day later, mom and I with my little one took a Chinatown bus from Philly to DC. Joined by more family (sis and co) in DC. We had fun and more fun. And in the night, it was always rummy time.

When the day came for us to leave, I saw Dad and his eyes begged for me to stay a little longer. My daughter came for this meeting you see, and she is spending couple of days with us - he told his friends. He is a proud father, I can tell. Proud of his two daughters and what they stand up for. He still urges us to go further. Beyond that horizon, never to be afraid of taking life's little risks. That it is okay to fall and resurge. And that no matter what, we are in this together. Mom and Dad together indulged us above and beyond. Mom cooked and cooked, until we yelled her to stop. We felt like two little girls again, when they took us to the zoo and called us over "look loook, a tiger!". Dad and mom, it is never enough -- but thank you. For you guys, a thousand times over.....

Express lane

Life comes at you fast. A few things get thrown your way. You pause for a moment. Smile at how far you have come in life. How little you know. And that there is so much more for you to learn. A potpouri of all these. Life moves on again.

You are in the car with four of your female colleagues -- aged 45 and above. They joke, half of which you don't really get, but you laugh out loud anyways. Then they converse about edible panties. You take a minute to realize what it really is -- a cookie? bah....maybe.....jeee! amazed that such a thing really exists and that you didn't have a clue. Blame Victoria for keeping such secrets. And the 55 year old throws in, "Ha.. Upsi might have 3-4 of them. look at the way she nods". You stop at the lights, comment on the weather. Life moves on.

You are back from work early and decide to make baturas. With chole. While kneading the dough, you think about the first time you made baturas. You being the new bride wanting to impress your man. Wanting to get into his heart through his stomach.
Calling India, waking up Amma from her sleep, just for the recipe. "yes Amma, we are fine. No, no, just called. Want to make baturas. yes -- just for the two of us. No, no friends coming. OK. About two spoonfuls of flour, yeast and yogurt, water, salt. OK".
You measure exactly two spoonful; yeast and the rest dive into the flour. Wait patiently for two hours for the dough to levitate and overflow. Nothing happens. Infact you wonder if it has shrinked in size. You put a damp towel over the dough, keep it inside the oven and a little later turn the oven lights on. Nothing.
By that time sun is already up in your hometown and your Amma is online querying about those baturas. "No amma....it has not risen yet." Argument ensue on how you religiously followed her recipe, to realize that you used just two table spoons of flour.
Amma laughs hysterically -- "areee budhu, I was just saying "about 2 spoons" and I meant the bigger thavi* (malayalam for *spoon) that we use in home, not a table spoon".
You empty the golf-ball sized dough from the bigger pot (you used the biggest pot available in the kicthen, because you know, the dough triples its size) into a smaller one. The dough you have is enough to make one batura , atmost two, if you can afford to stretch it. Half the dough gets stuck in the rolling pin anyways.
Five years later on a Friday afternoon, you make delicious baturas. With chole. Sliced raw onions and lemon on side. Life moves on.

And then at times, you want life to stand still. The moments not to pass by.

Like when you delivered your little one and held him close to you for the first time. Sweet pure love! How life seemed perfect and so did everything around it. You blink your eyes and your little one magically turns ONE. And in the night, you pick him up from his crib to your bed and snuggle him close to you, wedged in your armpit that fits him in so cozly.
Wishing time takes a break, come back after a while, just so the feeling lingers before life moves on again.

Sass-Bahu series

The birds can wait. While the bride takes the test. The upcoming visit of the mother-in-law that is. She will be home in four days time to be with her son and oldest bahu. *Drum roll*

Oooeie Ma...I wish someone gave you a heads up and warn you on whats in store. . In the following months you are home, taking care of the little one - you may want to grip onto something before you faint and chant more mantras in a day than you have ever in a year.

The tip of the bahu-berg:
-- She cuts her hair whenever she is bored of life in general (the webcam was angled to look like she always had gorgeous thick hair)

-- Back from work and also on weekends, she laze around in shorts and sleevless Tees (it was the mosquitoes in Hyderabad that made her wear salwar kameez and chunni wrapped over. I know, I know, you assumed the West didn't deter her dressing codes)

-- Ildis and dosas visit only on weekends, if at all. Else it is bread, bagel and cornflakes (now you know why your son pounced on the medhu vadas and gobbled idlis last time he visited)

-- Week day dinners are made in a jiffy:- parathas and masalas give way to wraps and grass (the recipes you gave her were recently dusted after your tickets were booked)

-- Clothes pile up and when her bra is worn two days in a row, she loads the washer to its max capacity. She also forgets to fold immideately from the dryer leading to a crumpled wrinkled mess. And that she thrusts to your son's face and cries, "nobody helps me round the house"

-- Your son prepares the morning tea while she snores away, snuggled with her little one. She even have the nerve to comment how bad the tea tastes sometimes

-- She argues. Loudly. Fiercly. Hold on to "her" views dearly. Takes in defeat with resentment. Loudly. Fiercly. *repeat repeat*

-- Puts music on high on Sat/Sun mornings. Silly dance. All in the name of entertaining her little one.

-- Not keen on wearing her thali/mangalasutra if it doesn't go with what she dons (Someone please bring in some water and sprinkle the ma-in-law's face)

But there is hope....

Muse on the mate

Had a chat with my to-be co-brother. Nice chap and we get along really well. He was checking to see how I was managing with the little one, with Mr. Upsi working/holidaying in India.
"You missing him, huh?"
"Well I do. But you know, these breaks do good to our relationship. Kind of recharges our lives"
"ooh..okay"
Bang! Wrong statement in a very wrong time to a guy; when he is dying to meet his fiancee and tie the knot for honeymooned wedding bliss.

Bet he found it odd and hard to beleive that there was no mushing with him being away.
He said, "yeah...four to five years from now, I can see that happening for us too."

On the evening stroll before winding up that day, I had no music to whistle and the little one was fast asleep in the stroller. I had the vast wide sky above me, with the sun about to set and the birds chirpin, nesting for the night. Perfect time to muse.

I miss him dearly. In the wardrobe, for a brief moment, I smell his clothes and sigh a long longing sigh. I look forward to cuddling with him and guttering out my day's event while he checks his mails over a chai. He doesnt seem to listen, but I always end being wrong.

But. I seem to like these breaks. Not because it makes the heart grow fonder. Not just because of that. It gives me more my-space and my-time. I become selfish, much self centered.
And this didnt happen after four-five years of togetherness. Much before that. A little after the mehandi faded and little before the taken-granted phase.

In a very silent way, on times like these, we both get much accomplished. One of them being acceptance of each others values. We both take the pillion seat and realize how much our lives are interwined. How the thought of seeing each other again tickle us.

Things change over a span of four five years. But you still want the fire to kindle.

Come back soon, S. The lil one and I wants you back more than ever.

Dear God - if you can't make me thin, please make my friends fat

Donot remember exactly when, maybe a decade ago. But I stopped munching the banana chips and listened. But in a hometown where three quarters of the population pinch you baggy chubby cheeks and say "iyooo Kutti (oh, baby) - you are so hollow. how will amma ever find a groom for you?", there was no need for second thoughts. I continued with my banana chip binging.

Then came love, marriage and a baby carriage. Studies and a job tailed along.

Somehwere along that fast paced lane, my Mexican roommate introducted me to Gym- 101. She would do crunches, crouch into a ball shape and spring right up, all the while inhaling and exhaling at regular timed intervals. And me! I didn't have a clue where to start. Thread mill seemed easy and all I did was gently walk on it, while my neighbours huffed and panted. Tried hands on yoga pilates in the comfort of my home. While my video yoga guru inhaled air from the outskirts of Australia with the ocean breeze genly waving her plated hair, I inhaled my living room air and realized that the stained sambhar dishes need to be washed. You see, she promised a table top flat abs and the needed curves in three months. I had to admit - it felt good, especially with the slow music flowing in the background. I felt rejuvenated, with all the body muscles stretched. Plus I like the way she musically worded - 'one vertebra after another, slowy rise from the child pose. Now gently push your tail bone and lean across to your sides". Occasionally, roommate would find me asleep in the shavasana - dead pose - on the yoga mat and woke me up. I told her I was meditating and not to bother me. She went her way, but woke me up nevertheless, when the meditative snoring disturbed her.

Priorties and preferences changed. Prayed to God for other favors (401k and low mortgage rates); told Him that the flat stomach could wait, seriously.

Anyways, its been a while since I devoted time to tone up the body and feel myself healthy again. New Year is round the corner and resolutions need to be dusted upon. So here I go - another two weeks of guiltless indulgence in cheese and chocolate, pizza and panacotta, rasa malai and much much more....

But come Jan1st, I go green, nah not the envy green but the healthy greens. Thats my resolution for '07 - I go green! yay!

Return flight

From India to US.
Kissed him and my little one.
Going home or is it home I just left behind?